Sonntag, 16. Dezember 2012

Sexism and Femdom

Whut? Sexism and Femdom? The lifestyle in which all the strong, self-confident women are served by men who are dressed as maids?

Unfortunatly, yes. And if you're a submissive guy who is now thinking "But I LOVE women, they are the best people in the world", then you should stop thinking and start thinking about what you just thought. There are a lot of things wrong with lots of femdom-stuff. Actually, if you would only take femdom-porn and a bunch of male fantasies into account, the whole thing seems essentially based on sexism. (It's not though, thanks to all the real women who are involved.)

For once, there are subs who claim that they want to serve a because they "admire women". That's nice. Well. Almost. Except that "women" are seen as a homogeneous group, as the good old "other", as people whose one defining trait is their gender. No wonder dommes complain about "do me"-subs* so often.

Then there's the cross-dressing issue. Cross-dressing is usually referred to as "feminization" or "sissyfication" in femdom contexts which already tells you all you need to know about the guys who are into it. Why male subs like it: It makes them feel vulnerable, humiliated or more sexual. If that's what you associate with being a woman then you might want to spend some time thinking about stereotypes. Some also claim that they are trying to achieve some sort of perfection that they consider femininity to be. In that case, read the last paragraph.

Those are the kind of guys I won't touch with a ten-foot pole. But there's not only individual sexism.

A more complex problem is probably the way in which d/s-dynamics are often represented, for example by people who write books on how to do femdom. According to these people, femdom is actually all about his dick (even though, of course, they claim it's not). Because his dick is what makes the power dynamics work. He has to be kept constantly horny because that is what makes him submissive. To keep a guy constantly horny and submissive to you, you have to make sure that you are and remain the object of his desire. Which is why a common image of a domme is that of a strict, strong, self-confident or even arrogant woman - who somehow spends 60% of her time in the bathroom to make herself look more fuckable.

Which, of course, she isn't. The sub has to be chaste in order to maintain his horniness. So no matter whether a domme would maybe like to have sex by penetration, he has to be locked up.
There are rules in some dynamics like "the slave is not allowed to see Mistress' breasts". I've never heard about rules like those being recommended for maledom-relationships. Uh, could that be because nakedness is seen as degrading to women but not to men and maybe the poor sub would lose all his respect for Mistress if he saw her tits?
In other words, this sort of dynamic would require a lot of effort (to look good, to make sure he doesn't accidentally get a glimpse etc.) from the domme and no sex in return. Not because she likes it but because it is neccessary to maintain the power-dynamic. This is why many discussions about whether I should transform a relationship into d/s ended with me saying: "Eh, I've got stuff to do."


I know and I would like to stress that after all, this is not how femdom relationships usually work. It is however what some books on femdom advise, it is what is portrayed in porn and it is what you sometimes have to get out of the mind of a newbie sub who simply doesn't know any better. It is also what dominant women are confronted with and in my experience it takes some effort to see through all the bullshit and find out what you really like. That is allegedly the point of it all, but somehow male desire gets more attention even in this context.


* Those subs who will submit to anybody who has a vagina and can hold a whip.



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