Donnerstag, 24. Mai 2012

Involuntary Gatekeeper

"When I was young, my sexuality never really seemed to belong to me. I wanted to unleash this power and passion that I felt, but I very rarely felt like I could express it without attracting a lot of unwanted attention, so I stifled it a lot of the time. Instead of an owner, I felt like the gatekeeper of my own sexuality, always saying ‘no’ to unwanted advances, never being free to have what I wanted, never feeling like I could explore at my own pace because that’s not how the boy-girl thing worked.
If I ever expressed any sexual interest in any man (a glance too long, flirting, touching, *anything*), my experience was that they would then run at me like a bull at a gate, and once again, I became the sexual gatekeeper because I knew (even before I had *any* experience) that I would not get the sex that I wanted under those circumstances. It was beyond tedious and I really hated it.
I often felt like my sexuality was being hijacked by someone else’s agenda or expectations and there was no room to express myself in the way I wanted, and it took me a long time to figure out why that was. Once I figured out that it was about control, I was able to better figure out how to find my complement."


Yes. That. Exactly that. Thank you Ferns for putting it into words.

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